Not too long ago, a friend of mine asked me what my favorite grape was. Umm, huh? I found this to be a strange thing to be asked. But when I decided I couldn't avoid the answer much longer, I went forward, answering as such: I like green grapes, I care for red ones very much, seedless only really. I don't like raisins but I do love a good craisin, and enjoy golden raisins in my salads. I don't like raisin bread nor do I like cookies with raisins in them, and I've never tried Raisin-Mash because I've never been in prison. Not surprisingly, for this answer I was chastised, and I was called a smartass, which is true. I am. A smartass. And? Piss-off. Anyways, turns out my friend was talking about WINE. And what I was sad to realize, is that she was a WINE SNOB. I don't hate wine snobs, Hitler hated, I loathe wine snobs. Good news bad news here, first the good. My friend was not the worst kind of wine snob, she was liberal and open minded, but she does take it a little serious, so I forgave her and she'll probably still go to Heaven. But the bad news is that there are waaay too many of these wine snobs out there for me to deal with. If I find them, I break them. And if you dear reader, find them, you'll need to pitch in and break them too. I liken it to ridding the world of vampires. Buffy had her job, I have mine. Here's all you need to know about wine...does it taste good? do I like it? does it go well with what I'm eating? How much do I have to drink to get ripped? It's not complicated. Drink what you like, like what you drink, there are no rules. Do not be intimidated. If you ask a waiter for a suggestion, they'd better not roll their eyes like you're incompetent, you're paying their tip (or not). And look, I'm not recommending being an idiot: buy wine, drink wine, order wine. Just don't act like you're better than me because you use bigger or better "wine words" when you drink it. You like it? Good, that's why you bought it. I don't need to know all the emotions your mouth is going through. (If you can guess the label just by tasting it blindfolded, I'll be impressed, seriously.) But don't ask the waiter "what does cabernet taste like?". Go buy some wine at the grocery, and stick to Rolling Rock when ordering a drink at a restaurant if you want to seem avant garde. Wine snobs are kinda like Gordon Gekko to me, they were kind of interesting, about twenty years ago, today, they're just a little too slick for their own good. Pray for those with this affliction, but don't be afraid to drive a stake through their heart.
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